i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
