My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
