lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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