dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I stole a fireplace last night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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