I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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