I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
