Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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