I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
