What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
