Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
