he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
