We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
