i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize