So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
