What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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