The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
