I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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