We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
