Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
