My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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