Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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