Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
