The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
