dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
