He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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