Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
