I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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