I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
