my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
