I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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