was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
