why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
