im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
