Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
