yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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