its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
