yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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