Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
