I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
