i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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