All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
