all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
