I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
