Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize