connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
