why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
