sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
