Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
