OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
