So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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