I cockslap morals
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
