i think my tv is drunk
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
