A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
