I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He shit in the fireplace
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
