My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
