hotel room ftw
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
