Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We have so much sex to catch up on
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
