i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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