Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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