My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
