i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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